The Blog

A Letter to My Future Soul Mate

Dear Future Soul Mate, Forgive me for not using your actual name. You see, we haven’t met yet. Tell you what — how ’bout I just refer to you as Julie? I’ve always liked that name and I wouldn’t be surprised if you ended up having it.

Continue Reading →

Being Denied Sex Until We’ve Established That ‘Foundation of Friendship’

It would not be much fun for God to watch American Idol or The Voice every week. What with Him being all-knowing, the surprise factor would be virtually nil. Instead, it’s become crystal clear to me that the Almighty gets His entertainment jollies in other ways, such as tormenting me over and over again with

Continue Reading →

Exposed: Concert Audience Abuse!

War, hunger, and disease are all terrible, tragic occurrences that should rightfully get us upset and motivate all caring people to do what they can to bring those situations to an end. But there is something else that is so pervasive, so insidious, so annoying, that it demands our attention and our efforts to wipe

Continue Reading →

‘Ripe’ — A Juicy One Woman Show by Wendy Hammers

Wendy Hammers dances throughout her impressive, brave, honest, touching, funny, intimately revealing one-woman show about the most recent 10 years of her life, from age 40-50. In fact, the show is billed as “a juicy new dance with words.” Juicy for its title — ripe, and for its peach graphic. But also for the joy

Continue Reading →

Need a Philosophy of Life? This Could Be Your Lucky Day

The other day, someone asked me if I had a philosophy of life. I pondered this very seriously for several moments before answering, “Hey, buddy, just ring up my groceries — I don’t want to miss the beginning of Dancing With the Stars.” At home later, two thoughts occurred to me: One, that I really

Continue Reading →

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Religion

What is it that distinguishes man from all other creatures on earth? Okay, yes, he is the only being who markets both chia pets and the Hooked On Phonics program. He is the only living organism who worries about the percentage of bran in his diet. And he alone lip-synchs to Neil Diamond tunes at

Continue Reading →

Top 5 Secrets U.S. Government Doesn’t Want You to Know

Washington, D.C. — Courtesy of a highly classified internal document provided by a White House insider who understandably prefers to remain anonymous — here are the top five secrets our own U.S. government does not want the American public to know: Time Travel Is Possible Now. The U.S. Department of Time Travel has perfected the

Continue Reading →

Expert Recommends: If At First You Don’t Succeed — Quit!

HINDMAN, Ky. — Growing up, Victor Breitling would sometimes fail at things and his mother would tell him, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” And he would make every effort to do so. “But it rarely worked out,” admitted Breitling. “The worst was learning to ride my bike. I fell off and

Continue Reading →

Possessed Pepper Shaker Terrorizes Family

FLATWOODS, W. Va. — It has long been known that people with high blood pressure should avoid salt. But one family that does not have those salt concerns is instead going out of its way to avoid pepper — their pepper shaker is giving them high blood pressure due to its being possessed. “I don’t

Continue Reading →

Lawyer Offers World’s First Divorce Gift Certificates

NELLVILLE, Ga. — Lonnie Dorfus has always enjoyed giving presents. “I’ll never forget the look of joy on my mother’s face when I gave her that lopsided clay mug I made for her birthday when I was in kindergarten. Or the kiss I got from my girlfriend in high school after I got her a

Continue Reading →

Free Comedy Sketches