Washington, D.C. — Courtesy of a highly classified internal document provided by a White House insider who understandably prefers to remain anonymous — here are the top five secrets our own U.S. government does not want the American public to know:
- Time Travel Is Possible Now. The U.S. Department of Time Travel has perfected the technology to allow any citizen to travel backwards into the past or forward into the future. It’s fast, easy, inexpensive, and has been successfully tested. All that remains to be solved is adding security measures so that the devices will not be able to be used by criminals running from the law or women running from their weddings.
- Robot Presidents Are Being Created. Presidential assassinations and assassination attempts will never again be a security concern once state-of-the-art federal robots hold the office of the U.S. Presidency. Not only can the Presidential robots withstand the force of a ten megaton bomb, but they never need to sleep, can work on up to 380 projects at once, and can more than satisfy the special needs of any First Lady.
- The Government Cannot Legally Require You to Pay Taxes. The government has for over 50 years been illegally prosecuting people in connection with income taxes in violation of both its taxing powers as contained in the Constitution, and the actual laws as contained in the Internal Revenue Code itself. If the American public knew what has been going on, practically the entire federal judiciary would be behind bars, along with nearly every tax lawyer employed by the Justice Department.
- Bigfoots Are Being Bred as Ultra-Powerful Homeland Security Guards. Three male and three female Bigfoots are being contained in a special breeding area at an undisclosed location in Alabama. Zoology experts are arranging for the three couples to breed. Their offspring will be trained from birth to detect and disarm terrorists, as well as infiltrate enemy encampments in disguise.
- Government’s Bizarre Plan to End Hunger in America. In September of this year, the government will order all zoos in the U.S. to release their animals. The poor will be given hunting rifles and allowed to go after their own food. They will be allowed to sell any uneaten food to markets and restaurants. This was modeled after similar plans that worked successfully in Ecuador, Guyana, and the Ukraine.