Topical jokes

A SELECTION OF MARK MILLER’S TOPICAL JOKES

mark_scribe_jester-300x276

“Many of these originally appeared in the Laugh Lines feature of the Los Angeles Times.”

 

  • Kellog is planning a $15 million museum devoted to the history of breakfast cereal.  Visitors will be cautioned to use the restroom facilities before passing through the Hall of Bran.
  • A 52 year old grandmother/prostitute has entered the Miss Nevada pageant.  She is heavily favored to win the talent portion of the competition.
  • The Agriculture Department says inspectors will now use a new scientific test instead of the old “see, touch, smell” method of detecting bacteria in meat.  In a related story, Courtney Love announced she’ll stick with the old method to choose her dates.
  • The announcement that Jennifer Lopez and Chris Judd are divorcing has been selected as Grand Prize Winner in the 6th annual Who The Hell Cares Competition.
  • R.J. Reynolds III, grandson of the founder of the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company, has died of smoking-related emphysema and heart disease.  In accordance with instructions in his will, he will be buried with 19 other people in a crush-proof box.
  • A Leonardo da Vinci manuscript was auctioned Friday for $30.8 million.  This tops the previous auction record of $27.4 million, for a manuscript in which Steven Seagal attempts to prove his movies are different from one another.
  • Antonio Carlos Jobim, composer of “The Girl From Ipanema,” has died.  During the funeral, Jobim’s casket passed by the mourners.  And when it passed, each girl it passed went, “Aaaaaaaah…”
  • Pennsylvania woman weighing 1,050 pounds suing tabloid for comparing her to baby elephant.  Claims that is one insult she will never forget.
  • Former President Ronald Reagan’s daughter, Patti Davis, will be appearing naked in a Playboy kick-boxing video.  This should be a lesson for Lyle and Eric Menendez – there are plenty of ways to kill your parents without using a weapon.
  • Disney Records will release an all-rap album, “Mickey Unrapped.”  One of the cuts will simply be the sound of Walt spinning in his grave.
  • A Buffalo State College honor roll student was sentenced to 90 days in jail for financing her education as a $150 an hour call girl.  Or, for $75, you could have her undress while comparing and contrasting the novels of Hemingway and Fitzgerald.
  • Oliver North is working on a deal to be a talk show host.  He just needs 900 more guns, which he’ll then trade for the job.
  • Each chapter of the Pope’s new book opens with a question from a journalist, such as:  “Does God really exist?”  “Why does God tolerate suffering?”  “With so many talented actors out of work, why is Zac Efron a star?”
  • Fossils from the oldest known human ancestor—4.4 million years old—have been found in Ethiopia.  Scientists said the species is a mosaic of primitive and advanced features, “not unlike the bass player for Aerosmith.”
  • The rock singer formerly known as Prince, has changed his name again.  He now wants to be known as “I’m Prince Again, Sorry For Confusing Everyone—It Was A Silly Egomaniacal Mistake And I Hope To God I Can Live It Down.”
  • In White Marsh, Va., the Sons of Italy plan to boycott Goodfellas Pasta, saying the name is a well-known code to link Italian Americans to organized crime.  Boycott plans were finalized during a meeting at the Sleep With The Fishes Café.
  • In Nevada, 66 teachers may lose their jobs after failing the state’s competency exam.  The teachers have issued a written protest:  “This are not faire.  We is extreemly competents and be not afraid to fighting for we jobs.”
  • Actor Christian Slater has been arrested for trying to carry a pistol onto a plane at Kennedy Airport.  He was charged with criminal possession of a weapon and doing a shameless, career-long impression of Jack Nicholson.
  • Senator Connie Mack of Florida doesn’t want the United States to deal with Fidel Castro.  “This man is a thug… a killer… a Communist.”  Mack then elaborated, “He’s a rebel and he’ll never ever be any good.”
  • A federal judge this week ruled that the US military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy is unconstitutional because it violates the First Amendment rights of gays and lesbians. The newly revised policy is now called “Ask, Tell, Be Fabulous!”
  • Scientists have discovered that the brains of cockroaches have powerful antibiotic properties that could lead to new treatments against dangerous diseases. The new medication will be marketed under the trade name “Disgusto-Cream.”
  • The mayor of Dublin, Georgia on Tuesday signed a new ordinance that would outlaw the wearing of baggy pants. The move was immediately condemned by Union Local 247, which represents clowns.
  • According to new research, hallucinogenic mushrooms may help ease the anxiety that often accompanies late-stage cancer. In a related story, last week over 700,000 college students claimed to have developed late-stage cancer.
  • CNN announced Wednesday that veteran journalist Piers Morgan of “America’s Got Talent” will replace Larry King when King retires in January. A King insider reveals that although King is leaving the show, he’ll believe he is still hosting it.
  • A Playboy centerfold model was arrested this week after she tried to open the door of her JetBlue flight while it was in the air. Over 30 Homeland Security officers volunteered to frisk her.
  • A man in Illinois, who was arrested for going 100 MPH in a 50 MPH zone, said he was going that fast because he had just had his car washed and wanted to dry it off. The man was immediately booked on suspicion of stupidity.
  • Google this week unveiled its Google Instant search function, which starts searching as soon as the user starts typing. Not to be outdone, Microsoft introduced its Pre-Instant search function, which starts searching as soon as the user is born.
  • Iranian authorities on Wednesday suspended the execution by stoning of a woman convicted of adultery after weeks of condemnation from around the world. Instead, she will be forced to listen to 27 hours of recorded Mel Gibson phone messages.
  • After Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi pleaded guilty to drunkenly disturbing others on a beach in July, a New Jersey judge has fined her 500 dollars and ordered her to perform community service. The community responded, “Please, no — for the love of God, just let her off!”
  • According to a new study, married women are 40 percent more likely to get divorced if they make more money than their husbands. The study was sponsored by married women.
  • A woman in Ohio, for the second time, gave birth in a car while on the way to the hospital. A hospital spokesperson reported that the baby, Honda Accord Leibowitz, is doing fine.
  • Donald Trump on Thursday offered to purchase the site of the proposed Islamic Center near Ground Zero in order to end the national controversy. Trump revealed that he plans to turn the site, like all of his other buildings, into a monument to his excessive ego.

Free Comedy Sketches