LEAST-KNOWN FACTS ABOUT ST. PATRICK
- Real Name: Pat Lipschitz.
- Wore satin jacket inscribed, “Saint.”
- Invented Irish Spring soap.
- Was expelled from school for nude-wrestling with St. Peter.
- Not only drove the snakes out of Ireland, but also had them made into boots.
- Operated Camp Potato, a popular summer camp for leprechauns.
- Was instrumental in having Ireland’s official greeting changed from, “Hey, how’s it hangin’?” to “Top of the mornin’ to ya.”
- Was indicted on twelve counts of fraud for running an illegal four-leaf clover manufacturing plant.
- Spent seven years and most of his money campaigning to have sainthood conferred on his girlfriend, Trixie.
- Most frequent of his expressions overheard by his neighbors: “Hey, give me a break – saints shouldn’t have to take out the garbage.”
LEAST EFFECTIVE ADVERTISING SLOGANS FOR HEAD CHEESE
- “How Bad Could It Be For You If You Don’t Know What It Is?”
- “From Our Slaughterhouse… To Your House… With Love”
- “The Kardashians Swear By It!”
- “The Only Variety Meat That Rhymes With ‘Dead Sleaze’”
- “Made From The Parts The Animal Probably Doesn’t Need”
- “Win A Free Trip To Hawaii By Eating An Entire Package Without Gagging”
- “Asked For By More Inmates Than Any Other Packaged Meat”
- “And Now, New Kosher Head Cheese – For Jews!”
- “Cancer Shmancer”
- “Now In Attractive 10-lb. Gift Tins With A Pig Hologram On Each Cover!”
LEAST POPULAR PBS ANNUAL FUND DRIVE BONUS GIFTS
- Sponge bath from Rush Limbaugh.
- 3 CD set: “Top Reggae Stars From Belgium.”
- Video re-make of “Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf,” starring Carrot Top and Joan Rivers.
- 14 volume history of The Federal Reserve System.
- Lock of O.J. Simpson’s hair.
- Rare footage of Jacques Cousteau explaining why the French are rude to Americans.
- T-shirt listing the densities of fifty major gases and vapors.
- Video revival of “Cat On A Hot Tin Roof,” starring Pee Wee Herman and Judge Judy.
- Ex-Cons Salute To The Muppets Special.
- Frugal Gourmet’s “Slim Jim Recipe Book.”
EDGAR ALLAN POE’S FAVORITE WAYS TO RELAX
- Listening to the unbearably agonizing, gut-wrenching screams of anyone in unspeakable pain.
- Merrily filling festive Halloween trick-or-treat bags with fresh entrails for the neighborhood children.
- Sobbing uncontrollably and for no apparent reason, for days on end.
- Trying to teach his pet raven, Moishe, another word besides “Nevermore.”
- Listing all his relatives on one side of a sheet of paper – and on the other side, the method of torture he’d select for each of them.
- Taking lovely young women out for a pleasant dinner, and then to observe an autopsy.
- Sitting in a pitch-black room and concentrating upon the utter and irreversible finality of death.
- Making Friendship Nooses for the important people in his life.
- Ripping up his house’s floorboards to look for the still-beating hearts whose increasingly louder, non-stop “tha-thumps” keep him up night after horrifying night.
- To counter his one-sided public image – entertaining at children’s birthday parties, as Edgar The Silly Dilly Clown.
LEAST KNOWN FACTS ABOUT FISH
- If a starfish is cut into chunks, each piece will grow into a completely whole starfish – and yet will be unable to carry the simplest tune.
- Not all fish live only in the water. Many have summer residences in New Jersey.
- The electric eel has an average discharge of 400 volts. After having sex, it has been heard to ask its partner, “Was it bright for you, too?”
- The oyster is usually ambisexual. It begins life as a male, then becomes a female, then back to a male, then a female again. It has enormous therapy bills.
- The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service restocks lakes by cascading newborn trout from an aircraft skimming the water at low speed. The trout can often be heard shouting, “Yeeeeee-haaaaaaah!!!”
- Dolphins have never been known to attack humans. This is considered evidence of their intelligence – along with their preference for the works of John Updike.
- A certain variety of European flounder can lie on a checkerboard and reproduce on its upper surface the same pattern of squares, for camouflage. It has, however, significantly more difficulty attempting the same with a Monopoly board.
- One species of Antarctic fish is the only fish known to have white blood. It has no red pigment in its blood. Scientists refer to this rare breed as the Johnny Winter Fish.
- There are fish that use sounds for defense. The Hawaiian Cuttlefish,for example, repels its enemies by playing Don Ho albums at high volume.
LEAST FREQUENT COWBOY UTTERANCES
“Hey, Tex, I’d die, I’d simply die for your spanikopita recipe.”
“She’s not just my manicurist; she’s also my friend.”
“Oh, come on. Comparing Nuryev to Baryshnikov is like comparing apples to oranges.”
“If you must know, Francoise, I’m weeping. Weeping openly and unashamedly. THAT’S what I’m doing.”
“I’m sure I’m not the first to tell you that your curtain designs are simply to die for!”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t let anybody talk that way about the musical stylings of Miss Laura Nyro.”
“Tofu or veggie-burger. Tofu or veggie-burger. Why don’t you choose? I just can’t make decisions after I meditate.”
“If you think I’m going to spend two months on the trail herding cattle, without my John Updike collection, you’re nuts!”
“Because I just plain feel more comfortable in a kilt, THAT’S why.”