Pentagon Encouraging School Bake Sales to Help Pay for Wars

“Enjoy your cupcake grenade!”
“Enjoy your cupcake grenade!”

In an attempt to raise funds for the military budget, the Pentagon is encouraging schools to hold bake sales and donate the profits to the armed forces. “Every little bit helps,” explains Pentagon spokesperson Tom Hagen. “Any school interested should contact the Pentagon for our Sweets For Soldiers Kit, which contains everything a school needs to put on a successful bake sale.”

Included in the kit are hallway banners that read, “Buy A Cookie & Help Our Soldiers Slaughter Our Enemies!” and “Your Pie Purchase Today Brings Us That Much Closer to Sending a U.S. Enemy to Hell!” The kit contains recipes for such patriotic treats as Bunker-Buster Brownies, Tomahawk Missile Munchies, and Grenade Launcher Rice Krispie Squares.

“This is an outrage,” complains a Massachusetts Board of Education insider. “Shame on the Pentagon for enlisting innocent children in military operations half the country believes is wrong!” Still, over 17,000 orders for the Sweets for Soldiers Kits have been filled and the Pentagon is hard-pressed to keep up with the demand.

Due to this program’s success, politician, commentator and author Sarah Palin is suggesting that the Department of the Interior encourage schools to hold wrapping paper sales and donate the profits to help cut down trees and drill for oil throughout America.

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