Top 10 Baby Names Guaranteed to Get Your Kid Beaten Up

The National Research Institute has just completed its annual survey of elementary and junior high school playground fights and is making public its finding of the ten names kids have who are most frequently beaten up by their classmates. If new parents care about their children’s safety and well-being, they are advised to avoid naming their babies any of the following:

DICK – Avoid giving your children a slang name for male or female genitalia.

GAY or GAYLORD – Would you name your child “Homosexual”?

FANNY – Please don’t name your daughter after the human butt.

TUCKER – Stay away from names that obviously rhyme with curse words that could be used against your child.

WOLFGANG – Other kids don’t care about your Medieval German background; to them, it’s just plain strange.

ROSEPETAL HUMMINGBIRD – Your Hippy brain of spiritual wonder doesn’t play with today’s first graders.

HARRY – Especially if the child’s last name is Cox, Beaver, or Peters.

PHINNAEUS – Even the teachers join in on the pounding of the kid with this name.

PRECIOUS – Any name that’s a compliment, especially a delicate one, is practically holding up a sign saying “I dare you to hit me.”

ADOLF – What’s wrong — were “Osama” and “Saddam” already taken?

The survey urges parents to exercise common sense in order to avoid playground trouble.